15 Things, Other Than Weed, That Might Make Me Care About What Cops Found in Botham Jean’s Apartment:
A director’s cut of Trump’s Russian pee tape in HD with subtitles and commentary by Vladimir Putin.
A complete list of names and addresses for all of the people who let the dogs out.
A final signed draft of the U.S. Constitution showing an undiscovered amendment saying Barack Obama can be president again.
Amber Guyger’s written confession.
The answer to: “Why are white people like this?”
A signed and notarized copy of a letter from Beyonce affirming that, at last, she thinks I am finally ready for that jelly.
Directions to Wakanda
My nigga, Waldo. I hear y’all were looking for him.
An unreleased season of The Wire
Martin Luther King’s dream.
White people’s rhythm.
One single person from New York who can have a conversation for 30 minutes without telling you they’re from New York.
… And if they’re from Brooklyn, I’ll give them 5 minutes.
One reason, besides racism, why 30 percent of America still supports Donald Trump.
A Super Bowl featuring the Dallas Cowboys versus the New England Patriots but Dak Prescot gets hurt during the NFC Championship and the backup sucks so Jerry Jones signs Colin Kaepernick, who goes to Dallas but, just before kickoff, he refuses to play unless Jerry Jones kneels with him during the national anthem, which Jerry Jones is forced to do and Kaepernick’s energized Cowboys whips Tom Brady’s ass and white people’s heads explode like houses in Massachusetts (what the fuck is that about?) and Roger Goodell has to hand Kap the Super Bowl MVP Trophy and nothing happens to the troops, the flag or the anthem.